she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
