Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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