Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
Randomize
