we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Randomize
