new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
my shit smells like andre
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Randomize
