Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
She even gives head with a lisp.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Randomize
