The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
