sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
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