so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
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