she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Randomize
