My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
I'm such a slut...i kept having sex with him after he called me his ex gf's name. I just felt like i deserved something out of it too.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
Randomize
