I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
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