Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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