First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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