the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
You can't just leave with hair like that
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
Randomize
