he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
