and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
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