Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Randomize
