and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
Randomize
