My boss' voice literally gives me gas
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
Randomize
