Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
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