she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
So you're telling me it's impossible to have a "slight case" of chlamydia?
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
