Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
