Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
Randomize
