I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
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