Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
