hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
