I can't watch pbs sober anymore
Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
i don't plan on having that self control this summer
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Randomize
