Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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