The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
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