What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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