Taylor Swift is so right about you.
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Randomize
