i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
