I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize