last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
Randomize
