Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
Was just grinding with my bio TA. She asked why i wasnt studying
i signed up to donate 10 dollars a month to help the children that are being displaced in columbia because of the drug wars.. i felt obligated
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Randomize
