I faked an abortion last night.
i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
