did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
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And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
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She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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