Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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