Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
