At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
