how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
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