So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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