So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
