it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
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