peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
