Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
