I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
