I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
Can you repeat that, but with context?
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
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