apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
then he tried to convert me to islam
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
They have beer where we have blood.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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