Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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