I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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