Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
