Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Randomize
