he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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