My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh
wow.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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