His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
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