when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
Randomize
