i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
I can feel your judgement through the phone
Randomize
